


Guardian Angel

by songofhell



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Mild Angst, Sastiel Big Bang 2016, slight college AU in the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 00:18:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8775658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songofhell/pseuds/songofhell
Summary: Castiel wasn’t overly excited when he was assigned to watch over Sam Winchester, his mind immediately reeling with all the potential problems he could face with this dangerous boy. Nevertheless, he dons the disguise of a college boy, Cameron, and ends up facing the one problem that never even occurred to him - falling in love with his charge. Now it seems that, no matter what the circumstances, he cannot have a relationship with Sam that isn’t based on lies. But what other choice does he have, when telling the truth could mean losing him forever?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Check out the amazing art by stormbrite [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767135)!
> 
> Also, thanks to the [Sastiel Big Bang](http://sastiel-bigbang.livejournal.com/) community for organizing this!

Sam was nervous, but it was the excited kind of nervous, the kind that made you want to run ahead full speed, rather than go hide under the covers. He stepped into his dorm room and took a deep breath. This was it; his own life, how he wanted to live it.

He dropped his bag and turned to close the door, seeing the other students of Stanford, most carrying far more than he was, getting moved in with the help of their families. A pang of sadness shot through his chest at the fact that his dad and Dean weren’t there to support him, but he still didn’t regret his decision. He needed this.

He smiled sadly as he began to push the door closed, only for it to be stopped by a rather scrawny guy of about Sam’s age with messy black hair and bright blue eyes. “Sorry,” he muttered, his eyes seeming rather intense as they met Sam’s. “You are Sam Winchester?”

“Uh, yeah.” Sam rocked back on his heels, eyeing the stranger in mild confusion.

Blue eyes flickered over Sam, seemingly even more confused, as though he couldn’t possibly be who he said he was. “I am your roommate,” he finally said as he resumed eye-contact.

“Oh!” He offered his hand. “Well, nice to meet you, uh…?”

“Cameron,” he supplied, taking Sam’s hand and just holding it without shaking.

Sam coughed uncomfortably as he pulled away. “Right, well… do you need any help moving in? Or is your family bringing up the rest?”

“This is all my stuff.” He held up his bag, smaller than either of Sam’s.

A wave of sympathy washed over Sam. This guy had even less than he did, and he had never been able to have a lot, as he had spent his whole life moving around. And more than that, Cameron’s family wasn’t here either, and Sam knew exactly how that felt. He smiled at him encouragingly. “Let’s get to getting our room set up, then. Which bed do you want?”

“Could I take the one by the window? I enjoy nature, but if you want it…”

“It’s yours.”

Sam and Cameron didn’t talk a whole lot in their first few weeks of being roommates, mostly because Cameron seemed really hesitant around the other boy. But things began to change one Saturday afternoon when Sam was relaxing in bed, watching _Star Wars_ on his laptop as Cameron came back.

“Hey,” Sam greeted his roommate, over the sound of Darth Vader threatening to destroy Leia’s planet. “If the noise bothers you, let me know and I’ll put headphones on.”

“It doesn’t bother me.” Cameron tilted his head to the side curiously. “What are you watching?”

“ _Star Wars_. You a fan?”

Cameron looked even more confused. “No…. Is it good?”

“Yeah, it’s… wait, are you telling me you’ve never seen _Star Wars_? Any of them?”

“No, I have not.”

“Are you serious? It’s a classic!” He shook his head slightly in shock. “If you’re not doing anything, you should watch it with me.”

Cameron hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, here, take a seat.” He scooted over to the edge of the bed, patting the space next to him. “I’ll start it over.”

“That is very kind of you, Sam.”

There was enough space for the both of them to sit on the twin bed, but just barely. Their shoulders were pressed together as they leaned back against the wall behind them, but surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward. Sam set the laptop at the foot of the bed and restarted the movie.

When the movie ended, he immediately looked to Cameron for his reaction.

“Can we watch the next one?” He asked before Sam could even ask what he thought.

Sam chuckled. “Of course.”

They ended up marathoning all of the original trilogy, only stopping to order pizza between episodes five and six.

“So, you liked it?” Sam asked as the credits of the last movie rolled.

“Yes, I loved it. The story was great, and the characters and their struggles… I can see why you like it so much.”

“Yeah, Dean and I used to watch these all the time growing up….” He trailed off as his mind wandered to his brother and the last time they had seen each other.

“Dean is your brother?” Cameron asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t talk about your family much.”

Sam shrugged. “My dad had other plans for me, but I didn’t want the same thing…. There was a big blow up when I left to come here. Dad said that if I left to not come back. I think Dean felt like I betrayed him.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No. I don’t want to live like they do.”

“You don’t agree with what they do?”

“It’s not that. They’re heroes, they’re _my_ heroes. I just want to make a difference in other ways. I want to do some good in the world in a way that also makes a good life for me. Maybe that’s selfish, but I needed to get away.”

“I do not believe that is selfish. No two people are the same, and are therefore not designed to aid the world in the same way. You are simply different in your design.”

Sam laughed. “I guess that’s one way of looking at it.”

“I think that you will be able to do a lot of good as a lawyer.”

Sam smiled. “Thanks, Cam. So what about your family?” He changed the subject before Cameron could ask what Dean and his dad did. He wasn’t sure what answer he’d be able to give. Cops? The thought was laughable.

“I have a very large family and do not get noticed a lot. Nobody really knows where our father is, so my older brothers are calling the shots.”

“Oh…” Sam wasn’t sure what to say. Cameron spoke as though he were just stating facts that had little effect on him, but Sam knew that he had to be hurting.  “What do they think of you coming to school here?”

“They wanted me to come here, so I suppose they like that I am.”

Cameron seemed to have the exact opposite problem from Sam. Lost in a large family, them wanting him to get away. Then here he was with just his dad and brother who couldn’t believe he was abandoning them. He didn’t envy Cameron, but he did wonder what it would be like.

“Well, for the record, I like that you’re here, too.”

Cameron appeared to be surprised as he looked at him. “You do?”

“Yeah. I’ve had a great time tonight.”

“So have I. And I would like to repay you, if that is alright.”

Sam blinked in surprise. “Repay me?”

“You shared something that you love with me, so I would like to share something with you. Perhaps tomorrow, if you are available?”

Sam beamed. “I would love that.”

The next day, Sam and Cameron grabbed some lunch at the coffee house near campus, then they caught a cab that took them to a hiking trail.

“I’ve never been hiking before,” Sam admitted as he eyed the path that led into the woods. Well, he had hiked a bit for a few cases before, but never to just enjoy the experience. What must it be like without a monster to worry about?

“It is not exactly the hiking that I enjoy, more of the chance to experience nature. God’s creation is beautiful and I like to take time to appreciate it.”

Cameron’s expression was almost mystified as he looked at the trees around them and Sam couldn’t help but smile in response. Cameron’s face was positively radiant and Sam couldn’t tear his eyes away.

“Have you been on this trail before?”

“No.” Cameron turned to him with a wide smile. “The both of us will get to take it in for the first time.”

“That sounds fantastic.”

They walked through the woods at a slow pace, occasionally stopping to take in a particular view, Cameron providing commentary along the way. “Sam, look at the flowers growing at the base of that tree.” “Do you see the bee collecting pollen over there?” “I think this is the tallest tree we’ve seen. Isn’t it beautiful?” To some, the commentary might be annoying, but Sam loved Cameron’s enthusiasm and his smile didn’t leave his lips the entire hike.

After a couple of hours, they began making their way back to the road, Cameron still pointing out everything that caught his eye. “Oh, Sam, look-” His words were cut off as he tripped over the root of a tree. Sam quickly reached out, taking his hand to prevent him from falling. Cameron looked up at him with a smile “Thank you, Sam.” Neither of them let go, and a warm feeling flowed through Sam at the contact. They walked the rest of the way out of the woods, hand-in-hand.

After that, it became a tradition of theirs that every weekend they would alternate having a movie night or a hiking trip. It didn’t take Sam long to realize what the feeling that he got in his chest every time he saw his roommate was. He was falling more for Cameron every day, but he had no idea if his feelings were returned. Part of him felt that, with how much time Cameron always wanted to spend with him, surely he felt the same. But at the same time, Cameron was different from most people, he was hard to read, and he just couldn’t be sure.

“You’re not paying attention to the movie,” Cameron pointed out about an hour into _The Princess Bride_.

“Sorry, just lost in thought.”

“What about?”

Sam felt the heat rising in his face. “Just… how much I enjoy this. Spending time with you.”

Cameron’s smile was radiant. “I enjoy it, too.”

“Do you….” Sam trailed off, his sudden burst of courage fading.

Cameron frowned slightly, turning to face him more fully. “Do I what, Sam?”

Sam took a deep breath. He couldn’t avoid asking now; besides, he _had to know._ “Do you like me?”

“Of course I do,” he answered immediately, clearly confused by the question.

“I don’t mean…” Sam sighed, trying to figure out how to say it without sounding like a cliché high schooler _(‘Do you just like me or do you_ like _like me?’)._ He turned to face him, forcing himself to look into blue eyes that he could easily get lost in the depths of. “I have feelings for you, Cam, feelings that go beyond just friendship. If you don’t feel the same, that’s fine. Just please don’t think of me any differently; I don’t want to lose you as a friend over this. But if you do feel the same…” He trailed off, looking at his roommate hopefully.

Cameron's eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully as Sam spoke, then his face lit up as though something had just clicked into place. "That's what it is," he murmured softly, more to himself. He reached out, taking Sam's hand in both of his. "Yes, Sam, I believe that I do feel the same."

Sam's face split into a smile. "Really?"

"I would not lie about this."

He bit his lip nervously  before he leaned in and pressed his lips to Cameron's. The other boy froze for a moment before returning the kiss, hesitantly at first, and then more fervently. He pulled back after a minute, his eyes wide and slightly dilated. "Was that okay?" he asked, cutting Sam off before he could ask the same question.

"Yeah, of course. I... wait, was that your first kiss?"

Cameron looked down. "This is all very new to me. I want to make sure I'm doing it right."

Sam huffed out a laugh, out of surprise rather than actual humor. "Well, you don't have to worry about that, Cam, you're a great kisser. I just hope it was as good for you."

Cameron met his eyes again. "It definitely was."

"Good."

Cameron's eyes slid back over to the laptop. "We're missing the movie."

Sam licked his lips thoughtfully and immediately gained Cameron's attention back. "We could always watch it later," he suggested.

"I like that idea."

“Me too.” He reached down to shut his laptop, and before he could do any more than that, Cameron had grabbed hold of his arm and was pulling him back, their lips sliding against each other, somehow both gentle and desperate at the same time. Sam’s head thumped audibly against the headboard as he was pulled back, and Cameron immediately jerked away, apology in his eyes.

“I'm sorry,” he said immediately.

“Don't worry about it, Cam,” Sam chuckled. “It didn't hurt.”

“Okay, good.” That was apparently all that Cameron needed to hear, because the next second, his lips were once again pressed eagerly against Sam’s, a hand coming up to guide his head down to the pillow, and then staying to tangle in his hair.

They stayed like that for a good half hour, occasionally pulling back to just smile at each other before resuming kissing, never going any further. Sure, a large part of Sam was tempted to explore more with his hands, to lose some of their clothes, but Cameron had never even kissed anyone before, and he didn't want to push him further than he was comfortable.

“You are a beautiful human being, Sam,” Cameron said softly as he ran his fingers through the hair of the man curled against his side.

Sam couldn't help but laugh at the strange compliment. “Thanks. So are you.”

Cameron abruptly went very still and Sam frowned as he felt the change in the atmosphere. “Is something wrong?”

“Of course not.” The carefully monotone voice conflicted with the words. “I am just tired. Would it be alright with you if I went to bed?”

“Of course.” He moved away from him to let him up, pretending not to watch him as he walked to bed.

An hour later and Sam still couldn't fall asleep. He laid looking over at Cameron's silhouette, wondering what could be wrong, surprised by just how much the sudden coldness had hurt. He hadn't known the guy long enough to have fallen this hard for him, had he? Sam sighed as he rolled over, forcing himself to look at the far wall. Perhaps falling in love wasn't dependent on time. Perhaps late night movies and walks in the woods did the trick just as well.

When Sam woke up the next morning, his stomach was twisted in a knot. It was ridiculous, though, he told himself. Cameron liked him, he had made that abundantly clear. So something was bothering him, that wasn't the end of the world. He was sure he'd talk about it eventually and they could work it out. He hoped.

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, purposely not looking over at Cameron's bed as he rolled out of bed in the opposite direction and stretched. Everything would be okay, he told himself yet again. Slowly, he turned around and then his stomach plummeted as he froze.

Cameron was gone.

And not just he got up early and headed out gone, all of his stuff was gone too, his bed nothing but a bare mattress. It was as though nobody else lived in the room.

Sam just stared at the sight for a minute, searching for something, anything of Cameron's. When he didn't see anything from where he was standing, he began searching. He looked through his dresser, only to find it void of clothes - the same with his closet. There was nothing under the bed, nor in any of his desk drawers.

Surely Cameron wouldn't have just left the school in the middle of the night without telling Sam. So perhaps he had left a note? But searching every conceivable surface where he might have left one brought up still nothing. And he didn't even have a phone that he could call.

When he was certain that he had run out of other options, he snapped himself out of his forlorn daze, got ready as quickly as possible, and all but ran to the administration office.

“How can I help you?” the secretary in the Dean of Students office asked in the automatic way of someone who had said the same line well over a hundred times.

“I woke up this morning and my roommate was gone,” Sam burst out breathlessly.

She arched an eyebrow that seemed to say, _It’s too early for this._ “Did you consider that he needed to get up early for something?”

“All of his stuff is gone too,” he snapped, unable to keep himself from glaring.

Now both eyebrows shot up. “Oh. I see.” It took her a moment to adjust to the fact that this was actually a serious situation. “I'll check the records.”

“Thank you,” he forced his tone to be more polite as he breathed a sigh of relief.

She began clicking keys on the computer. “What is his name?”

“Cameron.”

“Last name?”

Sam blinked. He didn't know it. How had he never realized that? “Um… I don't know.”

“Alright, dorm room, then.”

Sam told her, then waited impatiently as he computer loaded. It felt as though several minutes had passed before she hummed thoughtfully. “It says here that a family emergency came up and he had to withdraw from the school.”

“In the middle of the night?” Sam demanded skeptically. “Without even saying anything to me?”

She looked up at him coolly. “It appears so.”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“Well, it's what happened. There's nothing more I can give you.”

He huffed an irritated sigh. None of this made any sense. “Is there a number that I can call him at?”

“Even if there was, I could not disclose that information. But as it happens, there is not.”

“So there's nothing I can do to find out what really happened?”

“If you refuse to accept the facts, no. Besides, I'd imagine that if he wanted you to have his information, he would have given it to you.”

Well, that just felt like a slap in the face. “You don't know him,” he managed to spit out coldly before briskly leaving the office, ashamed by the tears that he was struggling to hold back.

What the hell could have happened? Something had clearly bothered Cameron last night, but Sam had no idea what it could have been. And even so, it couldn't possibly have been bad enough to cause him to pack up and leave in the middle of the night, could it?

Maybe… maybe there really had been some kind of family emergency, and he just hadn't had time to leave a note, and he hadn’t wanted to wake him. That would mean that he would come back to explain things, right? Of course he would.

Sam felt himself relax as he looked around, as though expecting Cameron to suddenly walk around the corner of the building he was passing.

He lived the next week like that, always looking over his shoulder for Cameron. Then gradually, he began losing hope.

Maybe it wasn't as simple as a family emergency. Maybe something really bad had happened, the kind of bad that he used to deal with. He considered calling Dean, but he could just hear his brother laughing at him, telling him that just because he got his heart broken, it didn't mean there was a monster. And that was if he even talked to him at all - it wasn't as though they had parted on the best of terms.

A month later, he was certain that he would never see Cameron again. He didn't know what was worse, the fact that his first real love was just gone, or that he would never know what had happened.

* * *

 

Castiel had always been very good about following orders, which was especially good, as the purpose of an angel was to follow orders. Well, an angel at his ranking, at any rate. Michael was different; he gave the orders. Of course, Castiel was sure that Michael’s orders were truly from their Father, but the fact still remained that Michael could not be looked upon as a mere follower of orders. So when Michael sent for Castiel to meet with him, the younger angel was both honored and eager to do whatever task he may be assigned.

“Castiel, my brother,” the archangel spoke. “You have proven yourself capable in your assignments, and your love of our Father’s creation is unrivaled by any of our brethren. I have a job for you that may prove to be both more dangerous and more imperative than any you have yet accomplished.”

“Of course, brother, whatever it is, I will do.”

“The boy destined to free Lucifer and bring about the Apocalypse is now outside of the protection of his family. He is now making his own decisions, decisions that will inevitably lead to the end. It is not our place to stop him, not at this time, but I think it wise to get close to him, to get a read on him so that we will better know what to expect when the time comes.”

Castiel nodded. “How would you like me to proceed?”

“Take on the vessel of someone his age. He is going to college, so I shall arrange for the two of you to room together. You will need to blend in, be subtle, and be careful. The boy has power, even if he does not know it yet, and there is darkness in him as is possessed by no human. Gather whatever information on him that you can, within those limitations, anything about him that you think may be useful.”

“I shall.”

It wasn’t difficult for Castiel to find a vessel, what was more difficult was to grasp the human customs. Some of the angels who had more experience amongst humans tutored him until he was deemed ‘passable as a socially awkward human.’ Then he was sent to Stanford and Sam Winchester.

He didn't want to admit it, but he was nervous. The other angels had told him a lot about Sam and what he was destined to do, and now he would be living with him for whatever length of time the angels deemed necessary. He already had demon blood in his system - what if he could sense what Castiel was? What if he figured out how to kill him? He was, of course, willing to die for his mission, but he would gain nothing if he was killed before being able to report back to Heaven. And even if Sam was not able to sense what he was, Castiel would still be in constant association with what was surely the darkest soul on the face of the Earth, and there was no way that it would be a pleasant experience.

All of this was running through his head as he walked down the hall to the room he would be sharing with Sam, catching the door before it was closed. “Sorry,” he muttered automatically as he met the gaze of the boy who would bring about the Apocalypse. He was tall, taller than Castiel's vessel, and soft, shaggy brown hair hung around his face. His hazel eyes were confused, but… kind. Castiel did a double take. “You are Sam Winchester?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Castiel looked deeper and his confusion grew. Castiel had a great love of his Father’s creation, humans among them. He may not have interacted with them much, but he had spent a good amount of time watching them, looking upon their souls. They were all tainted, of course, to varying degrees, but they were all beautiful, even if that beauty was tragic.

Sam Winchester’s soul was not beautifully tragic. It was radiant. Sure, it had its blemishes, damage done unto it in some cases by Sam, and some by others’ words or actions; but it was still the purest soul that Castiel had ever gazed upon.

It didn't make any sense. How could the person standing before him be destined to release Lucifer, to start the Apocalypse? Surely this soul would never do such a thing. But that would mean that Heaven had made a mistake, and the likelihood of that was incredibly slim. Castiel didn't even know that it was possible. So maybe Sam would be coerced into it, or something horrible would happen to corrupt his soul completely… or maybe this was all a trick. The angels didn't know what Sam was capable of, after all. Perhaps he could disguise himself. Yes, that seemed the type of thing he might be able to do. He was Lucifer’s perfect weapon, of course he would be able to hide perfectly amongst humans. Castiel couldn't allow himself to fall for the trick, to be sucked in. He had to observe without letting himself get too close, something that proved to be easier said than done.

Sam would occasionally speak to him - greetings when he entered the room and similar courtesies - and Castiel was careful to only say the minimum amount of words to respond acceptably, which effectively discouraged more dialogue. Castiel was uneasy, though, and not for the reasons he had figured he would be. Sam Winchester was kind. Whenever he saw someone struggling, he made an effort to be of assistance if at all possible. Castiel had passed by as he helped a boy he didn't even know pick up dropped books, had seen him go out of his way to help students struggling in class, and whenever it appeared that there may be something bothering Castiel - or anyone Sam came into contact with, really - he always asked if everything was alright. It made it increasingly difficult to not only avoid conversation, but to reconcile his roommate with the monster the angels had warned him about.

Maybe the only way to get a firm grasp on who Sam really was was to actually talk to him. The problem was, Castiel knew deep down that that was just an excuse. Because he really did _want_ to talk to Sam, to get to know him, to give him a chance. So when he walked into the room the next time to see Sam watching a movie, he found himself asking what it was. He had not even considered that Sam might invite him to join.

It had been a little disconcerting to sit down on the bed beside Sam Winchester. He could feel their shoulders brushing against each other in a way that should have put him on edge, all things considered, but instead it comforted him. In fact, Sam's presence beside him was the most comforting thing he had felt in a while.

He forced himself to focus on the movie and not the warmth radiating beside him. It really wasn't that difficult, as the movie caught his attention immediately and drew him in. He found himself developing attachments for the characters, worried for them in their struggles. And it had a great message, really - the struggle of the light and the dark that every human faced, a choice that all of them had to make.

When the movie ended, he was eager to know what happened next. Because that couldn't be all, could it? Almost before the credits began rolling, he was turning to Sam. “Can we watch the next one?”

Sam’s face lighting up caused a warmth to grow inside the angel. He had a beautiful smile, and his laugh, though quiet, was as pleasant to the ears as the music in Heaven. “Of course.”

And that was how they spent the rest of the day. After the second movie, Sam offered to get them some pizza. As an angel, Castiel had no need of food, but he agreed anyway in order to keep up appearances.

As the movies progressed, Castiel was drawn more and more to the character of Luke. All of the signs indicated that he would go to the dark side - it was the path that his father had taken, after all, it was in his blood. And yet when it came down to it, when everything was stacked against Luke and it seemed as though it was the only choice he had left, he chose the path of the light. The more Castiel thought about it, the more he realized how much the choices Luke faced in the movies mirrored the choices that Sam would be facing in the near future. It had to be possible for Sam to rise against the odds just as Luke had, didn’t it? All he needed was the proper guidance, just as Luke had had, and surely Castiel could provide that.

Yes, that was what he would do. He had done his job of observation and had seen that there was hope. Surely Heaven would have no problem with him taking the initiative to develop that hope into an actuality. They would be glad for him to appeal to the light in Sam, and in doing so, stop the Apocalypse. It was a better outcome than anyone had even thought to contemplate.

So when he had the opportunity to converse with Sam after the movie, for once he didn’t shy away. And as Sam talked about his family, Castiel was even more convinced of the good heart that he had.

He wasn’t entirely sure what to say when the conversation turned to his family, but he answered Sam’s questions as truthfully as he could without giving anything away.

“Well, for the record, I like that you’re here, too,” Sam said softly, every word ringing with truth.

The kind words brought the angel up short. No one had ever told him before that they enjoyed his company, and the knowledge that Sam did brought him a kind of joy that he couldn’t put into words. “You do?”

“Yeah. I’ve had a great time tonight.”

“So have I.” Castiel was seized by a sudden urge to show Sam just how much he appreciated the time they had spent together today. “And I would like to repay you, if that is alright.”

“Repay me?”

“You shared something that you love with me, so I would like to share something with you. Perhaps tomorrow, if you are available?”

Castiel truly loved Sam’s smile. “I would love that.”

He spent the rest of the night thinking up the best way to share with Sam his love for his Father’s creation. It was everywhere, after all, but you couldn’t experience the full extent of it on campus or in town. He had always found the woods to be quite beautiful, though. So he flew around the surrounding area until he located the closest section of woods. It even had a trail, which would probably be best for walking through it with Sam. It was perfect.

Even with all the planning, he was a little nervous the next morning. What if Sam didn’t appreciate nature like he did? What if the idea of walking through the woods was boring to him? Castiel couldn’t explain it, but for whatever reason, he really wanted Sam to love nature like he did.

And he was in luck. Sam seemed more than willing to go on the walk with him, and not only did he get to enjoy nature, but also Sam’s radiant smile, which could definitely be ranked highly in the top most beautiful things on this Earth. Castiel was surprised to realize that he enjoyed nature even more when he had Sam by his side, and he thought he could definitely get used to him being there.

As Castiel began spending more time with Sam, he gradually forgot his real purpose for attending the college with him. The enjoyment he found in Sam’s company overshadowed his duties to Heaven, and whenever they would return to the forefront of his mind, he would tell himself that spending time with Sam _was_ his job, and that was just what he was doing.

Whenever he did have time by himself to think, though, his mind tended to stray to this new emotion he was feeling whenever he was with Sam. At first he thought it was just appreciation - after all, no one had ever taken the time for him like Sam did, had made him feel so wanted and cared for - but that didn’t seem to cover it. It wouldn’t make sense to have a swell of appreciativeness whenever Sam smiled or whenever their hands brushed against each other. So it had to be something else. He thought about asking Sam what he thought it might be, but then he realized that he had no idea how to put the feeling into words. But then Sam explained it to him anyway, without him ever having to ask. And as it turned out, he wasn’t alone.

Perhaps he should have realized that what he was feeling was a kind of love, but he had never heard of an angel feeling this way before. Angels loved, sure, but in a general sense. Not the way he loved Sam. Perhaps his time living as a human had had an effect on him.

And then Sam was kissing him, and he was certainly not prepared for that. It is well known amongst angels that once you have experienced Heaven, everything else is dull by comparison. Castiel had always argued that that could be said of all of God’s creation that had not yet been soiled by sin. But now even that seemed dulled in comparison to Sam’s lips on his.

Castiel had never kissed anyone before and he wasn’t sure if there was a certain kind of technique that he should be trying to adhere to, or if he should just let his lips move as they seemed to be wanting to do. He eventually settled on letting go and allowing himself to truly enjoy the kiss, quickly coming to the conclusion that he could not get enough of this.

After half an hour they eventually slowed, Sam smiling contentedly as he curled into the angel’s side. Castiel looked down at him in wonderment as he ran his hands through his hair, feeling happier than he could ever remember feeling. “You are a beautiful human being, Sam” he murmured.

He felt the movement of Sam’s chest as he chuckled. “Thanks. So are you.”

Suddenly, reality came crashing back around Castiel. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let himself get involved with Sam? Angels weren’t supposed to be with humans, period, and _Sam_ was a whole other story.

Yet, that wasn’t what Castiel found himself dwelling on. Instead, Sam’s comment had just served to remind him of the lies that he had built their relationship on. He couldn’t be romantically involved with Sam while pretending to be someone he wasn’t. But he was under orders, he couldn’t reveal what he really was. And even if he did, how would Sam respond? How would he react to knowing that Castiel had been lying to him this entire time? There was no way he would still want to be with him.

Sam seemed to sense the sudden tension in him. “Is something wrong?” he asked worriedly.

“Of course not,” Castiel answered carefully. He wished desperately that he could tell him the truth, even with as terrified as he was to do so, but he knew that he couldn’t. “I am just tired. Would it be alright with you if I went to bed?”

“Of course.”

Castiel stiffly disentangled himself from Sam and walked over to his bed. He had messed up more than he had ever imagined he was capable. He had to either defy his orders completely or end things with Sam before things got any worse. Either way, though, he knew that Sam would end up getting hurt, and he hated to think that he would be responsible for that. And he knew that more than likely, either way would end with him losing Sam. He had no idea what he was going to do.

He laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling as various scenarios played through his head, all ending horribly. Then, amongst all the horrible things running through his head, he heard Michael calling for him. He knew what had happened - it was too much of a coincidence to think anything else - and Castiel was surely going to be in a lot of trouble. But he had no choice but to go.

“Hello, Michael,” Castiel greeted his brother quietly when he arrived in Heaven, his eyes on the ground.

“Castiel, I believe you have been around the boy for a significant enough amount of time to warrant a report. What have you discovered?”

Castiel blinked up in surprise. It _was_ just a coincidence? Relief coursed through him as he readied himself to give the report he had been subconsciously assembling all this time. “When I first met Sam Winchester, I was surprised by the purity of his soul. I was immediately suspicious of it, but as I observed him, I realized that it was not a trick. He is one of the kindest human beings on the Earth. He goes out of his way to help people in need and he cares about making the world a better place. Whatever Hell’s plans for him are, I am certain that he will not oblige them.”

There were a few moments of silence after Castiel finished speaking. “What do you mean you are certain that he will not oblige them?” Michael eventually asked, his tone unreadable.

“Sam is a good person, his soul purer than any I have ever seen. I am confident that he will not succumb to the darkness.”

“Castiel, the boy’s destiny is to release Lucifer. It is not a matter of succumbing to the forces of Hell, it is a fact of what he _will_ do.”

“I believe you are mistaken. The Sam that I know would never do the things that he is said to be destined to do.”

“The Sam that you know?” Michael repeated before he sighed. “Perhaps you were the wrong person for this job. It is clear that your love of humanity was a hindrance, rather than an asset.”

“But-”

“You got too close and couldn’t see the larger picture. It is my own fault for giving you the task. I am sure that the information you gathered will be of some use, at any rate. You may return to your normal duties.”

“You mean…? I can go back to Sam, see what else I can discover.”

“No. It is clear that you are too close to the boy. I do not want you going back. I’ll cover your tracks.”

Just when Castiel had thought he couldn’t feel any worse. Now he had to leave Sam without even saying goodbye, without giving him any explanation. He wondered what he would think - it couldn’t be anything good. He kicked himself for the last interaction he had had with Sam being withdrawing from him. They couldn’t even have ended on a good note.

Castiel would sometimes watch Sam from afar over the course of the next few years, but he was under strict orders to not approach him again. It pained the angel to see all the trials that the man he loved went through, and he wished more than anything that he could be there to help him through it all. Then, Sam’s older brother, Dean, was sent to Hell and Castiel heard that Michael was looking for someone to retrieve him. Castiel knew that Dean was probably the only person who could save Sam from himself, and he didn’t hesitate before he volunteered. He was allowed to rescue the elder Winchester, and then he claimed a new vessel in order to talk with him.

Dean was different from his brother, a little more rough around the edges, but he still had a good soul, even with it being damaged by Hell. Castiel admired the fact that he wouldn’t give up on finding out what exactly had pulled him from Hell, even though his attempt to kill him was a bit annoying.

After that, Michael decided that Castiel was the best person to sustain contact with Dean, since the hunter was likely to be more defensive with every angel they sent. Castiel had mixed feelings about that. On one hand, he wanted to help, and it would also mean that he would get to see Sam again. On the other hand, he would have to face Sam and would not be able to tell him anything. He didn’t know if he could take that, but he certainly couldn’t refuse the job. So he tried to keep his interactions with the boys limited to Dean. It work for a little while, but when Uriel told him that Sam and Dean needed to stop the rising of Samhain or else Uriel would destroy the town, he didn’t have time to get Dean alone.

Sam entered the motel room first and a feeling that was both wonderful and horrible all at once washed over the angel. Sam was looking at him, able to see him for the first time in years, but as he did, he trained the barrel of his gun on him. Castiel was frozen, finding himself unable to bring himself to say or do anything. And then Dean came in, stopping Sam before he could shoot.

“Sam! Sam, wait! It’s Castiel. The angel.”

Sam’s eyes grew wide, and though Dean said something else, Castiel was no longer listening. Because Sam was smiling at him, a look of complete wonderment on his face.

“Hello, Sam,” he spoke softly, the words carrying a weight he was sure the hunter did not notice.

“Oh my god,” Sam gasped. “Er - uh - I didn’t mean to - sorry. It’s an honor, really, I-I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Castiel wasn’t sure what to think as Sam stumbled over his words. In some ways it was endearing, but it just served to remind him that Sam did not know who he was and would never be so comfortable with him again. He looked down at the hand that was offered to him and he wanted nothing more than to just grab Sam and pull him into a kiss. Perhaps it was a good thing that Uriel was there, for if he was not, Castiel was not sure that he would have been able to restrain himself.

He took a second to gather himself, reminding himself that he needed to distance himself from the man he loved, before he reached down and took his hand. “And I, you. Sam Winchester.” He couldn’t help but bring up his other hand, wrapping them both around Sam’s. “The boy with the demon blood.” He saw the change in Sam’s expression instantaneously, saw the hurt in his eyes, and instantly hated himself for his words. He had felt that he had to say the words aloud to remind himself, to put some distance between them, but now he knew that he couldn’t take them back and it was not worth it. “Glad to see you’ve ceased your extracurricular activities,” he tried to say something more positive, but realized he was only making it worse.

He dropped his hands, unable to take his eyes off the pained expression Sam was working so hard to cover up. How many times would he hurt him? It only got worse as the conversation went on, as Sam saw the worst in him. He had never questioned his orders before Sam came along, and now once again, as Sam looked at him with such desperate disappointment, he wondered if he was, in fact, doing the right thing.

The next time he saw Sam was no better.

“Cas, stop… please,” Sam begged as he blocked his way to Anna.

Castiel wanted to listen to him, but instead he placed his fingers on the hunter’s forehead and rendered him unconscious.

The next Sam saw of him, he was kidnapping Dean to torture Alastair, and then when Alastair got free, Castiel barely stopped him from killing Dean. Sam very possibly saved his life that day, but he figured that that was more for the sake of killing Alastair than for his own benefit. The look in Sam’s eyes when he confronted him at the hospital only supported the theory.

“Sam,” Castiel started to say, but that was as far as he got.

“Get in there and heal him. Miracle. Now.”

“I can’t.”

The way Sam was looking at him hurt far worse than Alastair stabbing him had. “You and Uriel put him in there-”

“No-”

“-because you can’t keep a simple devil’s trap together.”

“I don’t know what happened,” he tried to explain, even though he knew it was useless. Sam’s opinion of him was already too damaged, and this only solidified that. “That trap… it shouldn’t have broken. I am sorry.”

“This whole thing was pointless. You understand that? The demons aren’t doing the hits. Something else is killing your soldiers.”

“Perhaps Alastair was lying.” But now even he didn’t believe his words.

“No, he wasn’t.” Sam turned away without giving Castiel a chance to say anything else, not that he knew what he would say. He felt as though he had been beaten thoroughly for the second time that day.

How had this happened? He had been a soldier, obedient, things had been simple. But he didn’t know what to do anymore. He loved Sam, but he knew that he couldn’t have him. Even if he did rebel, a thought that he rarely entertained, it wasn’t as though Sam would take him back. Sam had fallen in love with a lie, and it was quite clear that Castiel had destroyed any chance of him loving the real him. He couldn’t have him, but if there was any way he could make his life better, he had to do it.

So he started looking. Uriel had said that there were other angels who wanted to raise Lucifer; it was too dangerous to let Sam and Dean get involved just yet, but maybe he could get some information. Only, he got more than he bargained for - he got the truth.

Rebelling was no longer a thought that he tried to pretend was not in the back of his mind, it was a reality. He _couldn’t_ let Heaven’s plans come to pass, he had to tell Dean. And he almost managed to, before Michael found him.

“I never expected this of you, my brother,” Michael said sadly once he had gotten Castiel back to Heaven.

“I could say the same of you,” Castiel replied, trying to pretend that he was not terrified. “Why?”

“Why not? What else is left? What point is there in the world continuing? Let Lucifer rise, the Apocalypse come to pass, and we will have our resolution to this story that has been drawn out for far too long.”

“Our Father-”

“Is gone, Castiel. If He has given up, then what is the point in His creation continuing to exist?”

“Because His creation is beautiful and should be honored-”

“His creation, or Sam Winchester?”

Castiel froze. “What?”

“I hope you do not think me stupid, brother. I can see the pattern. You never exhibited this kind of behavior until he came along. When you volunteered to save Dean, I had my doubts, but I had hoped that enough time had passed for you to have recovered. Clearly, I was wrong.”

“That was why you assigned Uriel.”

“Very good. I would like to give you one last chance, Castiel, if you will let me.”

“Of course.” With any luck, that one chance would give him enough time to warn Dean before Michael killed him.

Michael smiled sadly. “Do you really think I would let you go just like that, only for you to fly off and warn the Winchesters? It is not going to be that simple, Castiel. I do apologize for that, but you have left me with little choice.”

“You are going to torture me, then?”

“I don’t need to. You will come to see things my way, or else I will kill Sam Winchester.”

A fresh wave of fear shot through Castiel. “But you need him.”

“Only for a little while longer. The seals are almost broken. Once Lucifer is free, Sam can die.”

Castiel didn’t have a choice. Not only did he stand aside to let the angels carry out their plans, he helped them to do it. He felt sick with himself as he freed Sam to go to Ruby, knowing that Sam would hate himself once he realized what he had done. He would be alive, though, so that was something.

Dean was furious when he began to figure out what was going on, shouting at Castiel, and he knew he deserved it. He left with Dean’s words still running through his head, _“If there is anything worth dying for… this is it.”_ But it wasn’t a matter of his death, if that were the case then he’d agree. But… wouldn’t Sam agree, too? Was he being selfish, taking this choice from him? Tricking him into doing something that he might rather die than do? Dean was right. This was worth dying for… worth losing everything for.

He went back to get Dean and took him to Chuck. He didn’t know where the final seal would be broken, but the prophet would. This would surely trigger action from Raphael, but with any luck, the archangel would kill him, and with him gone, Michael would no longer see a need to kill Sam.

He got his wish. He felt himself die, but then he was there again. He looked down to find himself in the same vessel, only now he was alone in it - Jimmy was dead. He said a quick prayer for his deceased host and then set out to find Sam and Dean, hoping that they would both still be alive. They were, and Castiel placed warding on their ribs to shield them from angels - that should prevent Michael from finding either of them.

Castiel didn’t know why God had brought him back - because it could only have been God that had done so - but he was going to make the most of his second chance. And things were better. Sam no longer looked at him with disappointment and anger; he could actually call him a friend again.

Maybe he should tell him the truth. He was no longer following the will of Heaven, after all; he had no reason not to. Except… he was afraid. If he told him, he would essentially be saying that everything between them, every conversation they had ever had was a lie. All he had ever done around Sam was pretend to be someone he wasn’t, whether it was pretending to be Cameron or pretending to never have been. There was no way that Sam would feel the same for him once he knew that, and Castiel couldn’t bear to see that look of disgust on his face again.

“Hey, uh, Cas,” Sam spoke from the front of the van, pulling the angel from his thoughts.

“Yes, Sam?”

“I wanted to run something by you…”

“Oh, not this again-” Bobby began.

“I just want his opinion,” Sam plowed on quickly. “Lucifer isn’t going to jump into the cage by himself. But if… if I’m his vessel and I can take back control, like Bobby did with the demon... then I can make him jump. I’m not saying I’m going to do it, not unless everyone agrees, but what do you think?”

“‘Yes’ to Lucifer. Then jump in the hole,” Castiel mused, mixed feelings coursing through him at the thought. “It’s an interesting plan.”

“That’s a word for it,” Bobby grumbled.

“So?” Sam prompted. “Go ahead and tell me it’s the worst plan you’ve ever heard.”

What was he supposed to say? If it were anyone but Sam, he would be able to get on board without hesitation… then again, if it were anyone but Sam, they would likely not be strong enough to pull it off. He decided to be honest. “Of course. I am happy to say that if that's what you want to hear. But it's not what I think.”

“Really?”

“You and Dean have a habit of exceeding my expectations. He resisted Michael. Maybe you could resist Lucifer, but there are things that you would need to know.” He wasn’t trying to discourage Sam from the plan that would end in his death… no, he was just giving him all the facts… not at all hoping that he would decide against it.

It didn’t matter, though. Even with him laying out the facts as negatively as he could, Sam was not deterred. But he was successful.

When it was all said and done, and Castiel was resurrected once again, he returned to Heaven, because there was nothing left for him on Earth. But Raphael had taken charge and was working to reverse everything that Sam had sacrificed himself for.

Everything considered, he was in a really bad place in his existence when Crowley approached him, and because of that, maybe he didn’t consider the deal as carefully as he should have. As soon as Crowley mentioned bringing Sam back, his decision was made. And out of all of the stupid things he had ever done, this was definitely the worst. His own arrogance, his drive for power was astounding. He even sunk to _hurting Sam_ just to get what he wanted. He promised himself that it was only temporary, that he would have the power to make him better after he got the souls from Purgatory - he would be able to build a wall even better than Death had built, and Sam would be better off in the long run. But if he was perfectly honest with himself, he was power hungry, and the part of himself, deep down that realized that, was sickened at what he was doing. But then he took in the souls and that reasonable part of him was all but crushed as the power took hold of him completely.

But even through all of that, Sam still believed in him. He heard his prayer, and even though he didn’t respond right away, it stayed with him, and eventually it broke through. It was too little too late, though. The Leviathan got free, and by the time Castiel was himself again, Sam was being driven crazy with hallucinations. He quickly realized that the only way to free him was to transfer the damage to himself, and he welcomed that course of action almost happily. He deserved it for what he had put Sam through.

When he did eventually recover, he was surprised that Sam didn’t hate him. How could he possibly still believe he was good? How could he look at him without seeing a monster who had destroyed his life even more thoroughly than the damage that had already been done? He was glad he had never told him the truth, that would only have made everything worse.

Castiel tried to make things right, but only ended up screwing up more every time he tried. But as he continued feeling worse for himself, Sam stood by him, and he eventually realized why. Sam _understood._ They had both inflicted so much harm on the world, all while trying to do the right thing. Castiel had gone crazy in his pursuit of power, and ended wrecking Heaven. Sam had been driven by the power of the demon blood, and freed Lucifer, setting off the Apocalypse. Sam didn’t see a monster when he looked at Castiel any more than the angel did when he looked at him. It was a reassuring thought.

Castiel was laying in Sam’s bed, watching Netflix - an activity that he had recently grown quite fond of. It was a nice distraction from the world, and the bed smelled like Sam, which made everything even more comforting.

He looked up as the door opened to see Sam walk into the room with a small smile. “You’re still here?” His tone was amused, rather than annoyed, but Castiel still felt bad.

“I’m sorry, Sam, you are probably wanting your room back. I can leave.” He began pushing himself up.

“No,” Sam said firmly, shaking his head. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

Castiel settled himself back into the bed. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” He glanced at the TV. “What are you watching?”

“It’s called ‘Friends.’ It is a rather long show, and I am not sure I see the point, but I still find it entertaining.”

“I’ve heard of it, and I think that _is_ the point.” He hovered awkwardly for a moment. “Well, I’ll let you get back to it.” He began to walk out the door.

“Sam, wait. You can join me, if you like. It is your room.”

Sam looked vaguely hopeful as he turned back, though Castiel wasn’t sure why. Maybe he was misreading the expression. “Are you sure? It’s not a big deal, really. I have other stuff I can be doing.”

“I would enjoy your company. But if you would rather be doing something else, I understand.”

Sam’s face lit up in a grin. “No, I can watch it with you.”

Castiel’s grin mirrored Sam’s as he scooted over to the edge of the bed. “Do you have enough room?”

“Yeah.” Sam sat down next to him, their shoulders brushing, warm and familiar.

As they watched the episodes together, it was almost as though he was Cameron again and they were back at college. But there was something different in the air now. He and Sam had been through so much since college, had learned so many hard truths that now haunted them, and he knew that they would never be able to reclaim that innocence. Nevertheless, watching Netflix with Sam was like getting a piece of that back, and that was better than nothing. It was getting late, though, and Castiel knew that Sam needed sleep, so sooner than he would have liked, he turned off the TV.

“Did you enjoy it?” he asked turning to Sam.

“Yeah.” The hunter had a peculiar expression on his face as he looked ahead of him, at the blank TV screen.

Castiel frowned. “What’s wrong, Sam?”

Sam blinked and looked at him, though his expression didn’t change. “Nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing. Have I made you uncomfortable?” They were sitting rather close, and as Dean always reminded him, personal space was important.

“What? No! Not at all, Cas. It’s just… it’s hard to explain…”

“Could you try?” He was worried that he had done something wrong, even though he didn’t know what it might have been.

“It’s…” He focused his gaze on the wall behind the angel. “Have you ever been in love, Cas?”

He drew in a deep breath. “Yes.”

“Okay, well, you know how memories of that person and the time you spent together sticks with you, even years later? Memories that small things in life can trigger?”

He nodded gravely. “Yes.”

“Well, yeah… I was just thinking about my first love.”

Castiel hesitated, but he couldn’t help but ask. “Who was it?”

Sam sighed. “His name was Cameron.” There was sadness in his voice that hurt Castiel to hear.

The angel looked down at his lap. “He hurt you.”

“He… just disappeared one day. I don’t know what happened. I don’t even know if it was his fault.” He shook his head slightly. “We used to watch movies together, just like this.”

“I apologize for bringing up bad memories.”

Sam chuckled. “I can’t really call them bad memories. They’re some of the best memories I have.”

Castiel blinked, slowly raising his head to look up at him. “Do you still love him?”

“I… no… yes? I don’t really know. It was such a long time ago, I was an entirely different person back then. But I never got closure, you know? I think I’ll always love him in a way, but I had to move on. And I have. Hell, even if we did somehow meet again, I doubt he’d want anything to do with me now, I’ve changed so much.”

“That is not true,” he automatically refuted, before thinking about what he was saying.

The corners of Sam’s lips turned up slightly in a curious smile as he raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

Castiel cleared his throat. “I cannot imagine anyone wanting nothing to do with you, Sam.”

The hunter’s cheeks took on a slightly pink shade. “Thanks, Cas.”

“If it would ease your pain, I won’t invite you to watch Netflix with me again.” He quickly changed the subject.

“No, I… I enjoyed this a lot. And honestly, it’s not the first time something involving you has reminded me of him. You two share a lot of similarities.”

Castiel’s eyebrows furrowed, his heart hammering in a way that was not common for angels. “I share a lot of similarities with your first love?”

The pink in Sam’s cheeks deepened to red. “I… I mean, uh… some… yeah.” He looked down at his lap.

“So do you… have feelings for me?” It wasn’t what Castiel should be saying, he knew that. He should be telling Sam the truth - if ever there was a time to do it, this was it. But Sam might love him, _him_ as Castiel. And he just had to know.

Sam seemed to somehow be turning even redder. “I don’t think of you as him, or anything like that,” he spoke quickly to his lap.

Castiel slowly reached out to cup Sam’s cheek in his hand, gently turning him to face him. “That is not what I asked.” He searched his eyes for the answers he was looking for.

“I… I know I have no right to.” He tried to look down, but Castiel held his gaze.

“Why would you ever think that?” he demanded.

“Because you’re _you_ , Cas. You’re an angel. And I’m…”

“The closest to perfection that any human has ever come,” Castiel said firmly.

Sam laughed harshly. “How can you say that after all I’ve done?”

“How could I not? No one has ever tried to make a difference in the world as adamantly as you have. You don’t care if the world is against you, you will do everything in your power and then some to do the right thing. Even after all that you have gone through, your soul is still the purest that I have ever seen, and that should not be possible. But I have come to expect the impossible from you. Angels aren’t supposed to fall in love with humans, but there was nothing I could do to prevent myself from falling in love with you.”

Sam gasped lightly, tears sparkling in his eyes. He opened his mouth, but seemed to be unable to speak, so Castiel leaned forward and kissed him.

Sam’s hands immediately shot up, clutching the fabric of Castiel’s shirt as if his life depended on it, kissing him back just as desperately. And Castiel had been resisting this urge for far too long to restrain himself now. He pushed Sam onto his back and rolled on top of him, drawing another surprised gasp from the hunter. Sam’s arms wrapped around the angel, hands clutching at his hair and lower back where his shirt had ridden up. Meanwhile, Castiel was seemingly unable to still his hands - he couldn’t choose one part of Sam’s body to linger on, he wanted all of him.

He finally pulled back after several minutes or hours or somewhere in between, when he remembered that Sam needed to breathe. The hunter was gasping for air, but he didn’t seem too troubled by the fact, his hands slowly sliding along Castiel back as though in awe that he was able to do so.

“My apologies, I should have let you breathe before now,” Castiel murmured, running his hand over Sam’s chest, wondering vaguely if Sam would be okay with him removing his shirt.

“Breathing’s overrated,” Sam laughed breathlessly.

“Perhaps, but it is also necessary.” He hesitantly unbuttoned the top button of Sam’s shirt.

Sam’s eyes darted down to Castiel’s hand, then back up to his face. “Go ahead,” he prompted, seeming to sense what he needed to hear.

Castiel smiled gratefully as he continued with the buttons of Sam’s shirt and pulled it off, before proceeding to run his hand over the hunter’s bare chest. He watched his hand’s progress and he could feel Sam watching him as he did so. When he finally built up the courage to meet his eyes, he saw pure adoration in them.

“You are a beautiful human being, Sam,” he said softly.

And then Sam froze and he instantly realized his mistake. His expression turned panicked and he knew that all but told Sam that it indeed wasn’t a coincidence. He was angry at himself for wishing he could pass it off as one.

“Sam…” he began desperately, but he didn’t know what to follow it with. How was he supposed to explain now of all times?

“You…” Sam was shaking his head. He drew in a deep breath, seemingly unable to look at the angel. “Cas, what aren’t you telling me?”

Castiel rolled off of Sam, onto his back, covering his face with his hands. He didn’t want to see the look on Sam’s face for this. “When you were in college… Heaven told me to keep an eye on you… to learn about you, so that they would know what to expect when the time came for you to start the Apocalypse…. But I got too close to you, and… they didn’t give me a chance to say anything to you before…. I didn’t want to leave, but I was still obedient to Heaven back then.”

When he finished, Sam was silent, but that silence seemed to be screaming at him how terrible he was. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore and he looked at him. Sam was staring at him in disbelief, tears sparkling in his eyes once again, but very different from before. “You were Cameron…. Why did you never say anything?” he finally asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“I was under orders. And then I was afraid. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You didn’t know-” Anger was creeping into Sam’s voice now as he shook his head, a tear sliding down his cheek. “We were talking about it literally ten minutes ago, and you couldn’t find a way to work it into the conversation? And then you kissed me! Were you just going to continue on with the lie?!”

“I… I don’t know.” Castiel looked down, hating himself more every second.

“I can’t believe this….”

“Sam, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Yeah, well… I’m pretty sure we’ve all experienced how lying is a pretty shitty way to prevent that.” He pushed himself out of bed, pulling his shirt back on without looking at Castiel.

“Where are you going?” Castiel asked hesitantly, pushing himself up to a sitting position.

“Somewhere alone… I need to process…” He started for the door.

“No, Sam… this is your room, I’ll leave.”

Sam shook his head without looking back. “I don’t really feel like being in here right now, anyway.” He left the room before Castiel could say anything else.

He stared at the door as it swung shut, feeling worse than he had in a long time. How could he have let this happen? Sam was right, he should have told him the truth from the beginning instead of building yet another relationship on lies. Was he incapable of causing Sam anything but pain?

Once he was sure that Sam had had enough time to get out of sight of the door, he got up and made his way out of the bunker. Things would be easier for everyone if he removed himself from the Winchesters’ lives completely.

* * *

 

Sam didn’t know what to think anymore. He had thought that he knew Castiel, understood him… well, as much as anyone could hope to understand the angel, at least. And yeah, he had noticed that he and Cameron had a lot of the same mannerisms and whatnot, but he had brushed that off. He had a type, apparently.

But now knowing that two of the people he had loved were actually the same person… he didn’t know how to handle that.

Because what if he only loved Castiel because he saw Cameron in him? Or what if he loved Castiel despite Cameron? What if he started seeing things that were undeniably Cameron and began brushing it off as Cameron, not Castiel? They _were_ the same person, right? Or had Castiel been pretending to be someone else entirely when he had been Cameron? Was Sam now going to expect to have Cameron back, only to be disappointed? Or would he be disappointed? He had fallen in love with Castiel without knowing any of this. So what if Castiel had been suppressing the Cameron side of him to prevent him from realizing? Would he be disappointed when that side began to come out of him? Did this mean that he needed to figure out if he still loved Cameron? Or did he need to focus on Castiel? Or did he need to love them both equally? But it wasn’t like Cameron was a second personality, they were one in the same. But would he be able to think of them as the same? Or would he be constantly analyzing everything Castiel did to figure out if it was Castiel or Cameron? Did he even want to date Cameron again? Did it matter? How was he supposed to reconcile these two loves as one person?

And on top of all of that was the fact that Castiel had lied to him. He could understand it in the beginning, he had just been following orders. It didn’t mean he liked it, but he understood. After Castiel began defying Heaven, though, he had no excuse. And maybe that was a little hypocritical of Sam to think, but it hurt. At the very least, he should have told him before he started kissing him. What if Sam hadn’t caught on? Would he have never found out the truth? Castiel had hidden things from him before, but this was different.

He had loved Castiel for so long… and Cameron too, in a way… but this was more than he had bargained for.

A couple weeks passed and he still didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t heard from Castiel since everything had happened, which probably meant that the angel was now avoiding him altogether.

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean greeted him as he entered the kitchen, where Sam was worrying over a cup of coffee.

“Hey,” he muttered half-heartedly.

Dean eyed him thoughtfully as he poured his own mug and then sat down across from him. “You heard from Cas lately?”

“No.” Sam didn’t meet his eyes.

“Huh…. Alright, I’m just gonna come out and ask. Something happen between you two?”

Sam blinked at his brother. “What do you mean?”

“Come on, you’ve been making heart-eyes at the guy since you first met him. And now he’s not around and you’re all mopey. Something happened.”

He looked away again. Apparently he had been more obvious about his feelings than he had thought. “It’s nothing.”

“Yeah, right.” He looked him over with concern in his eyes. “He turn you down, or something?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“It’s _nothing,_ Dean.” He got to his feet and walked out of the kitchen before Dean could say anything else. He didn’t even know what exactly was going on, so he certainly wasn’t going to talk to his brother about it.

* * *

 

Castiel looked at his phone to see yet another voicemail from Dean. He sighed as he brought the phone to his ear to listen. “Cas,” Dean’s urgent voice sounded in his ear. “It’s Sam. Get your ass to the bunker _now.”_

Castiel’s stomach twisted into a knot and he was driving in the direction of the bunker within a minute. He was going well over the speed limit, but it still didn’t feel like fast enough, and when he pulled up outside the bunker, he sprinted to the door.

“About damn time,” Dean snapped as he opened the door after the angel had gotten out three knocks.

“Is Sam okay?” he demanded immediately.

“You tell me. What the hell happened between you two?”

The desperation in Castiel’s expression slowly faded away as he processed what Dean was asking. “You made it sound as though something bad had happened to Sam just so that you could ask me that?”

“Something _has_ happened to him. He’s a mess, and that started right about the time you disappeared. It’s not hard to put two and two together.”

“This is none of your concern, Dean.” He turned to go, but Dean caught his arm.

“The hell it’s not.” Dean’s tone was furious as he stepped outside, pulling the door shut behind him. “This is my _brother_ we’re talking about. He’s heartbroken and he won’t talk to me about it. So you’re going to.”

“Shouldn’t it be Sam’s choice whether or not to tell you?”

“Perhaps, but I still need to know whether or not I need to kick your ass for breaking my little brother’s heart.”

Castiel looked down. “In that case, you probably should.”

“What happened?”

He sighed. He supposed it was only fair that Dean hated him too. So he told him.

“So let me get this straight. You were Sam’s guardian angel in college, you two fell in love, and you were all set to walk off into the sunset together when he figured out that you’d been lying to him all along?”

“Basically, yes.”

Dean shook his head slightly. “Damn. No wonder he’s messed up.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have lied to him.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s not all this is. You can get past secrets when you love someone, trust me, but what Sam’s dealing with is much more complicated than that.”

Castiel’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“The guy’s been in love with you since he met you. As Castiel, that is. And now he’s found out that his first love and current love are the same person. That’s a lot to wrap your head around. He doesn’t know whether to think of you as one person or two. He probably doesn’t know how much of this Cameron he can expect to see in you now that the cat’s out of the bag, or if the you that he loves is really you.”

He frowned. “When was there a cat?”

“Forget the cat,” Dean sighed. “Sam’s struggling with who you are and whether he loves Cas or Cameron or both.”

“I have never altered myself, apart from assuming human characteristics when I was Cameron.”

“But Sam doesn’t know that. To him, you’re two different people right now and he doesn’t know who he loves more.”

“So what do I do?”

“Show him that you’re the same. And suck up to him because that will help with the lying part.”

Castiel nodded slowly. “What do you recommend for sucking up?”

* * *

 

“Sam.”

“What?” Sam demanded, turning back to his brother. They had just come back from a hunt - a simple salt and burn, one of the easier hunts that they had had in awhile - and he really just wanted to go back to his room and relax. He really hoped Dean wasn’t going to try to interrogate him some more about Castiel. It had been almost a month now, and he wondered if Castiel wasn’t just going to disappear on him again.

“You can take the shower first, I’m going to run up to the bar for a bit.”

“You sure you don’t want to shower before you go up there? I can wait.”

“Nah, you did most of the work. Besides, you stink.”

“Thanks,” he muttered with a roll of his eyes. He supposed he would be able to relax easier if showered first. “Don’t get too wasted.”

“When have I ever gotten too wasted? Don’t answer that. Seriously, though, shower, or else I’ll be able to smell you from the bar.”

Sam rolled his eyes again as he walked off to the bathroom. He took a quick shower because otherwise he’d start thinking, and thinking these days tended to result in a headache. He threw on the t-shirt and gym pants he kept in there for nights like this, and then went to his room, ready to lay down with a book to take his mind off things.

Except when he opened his door, Castiel was standing between the door and the bed, looking at him nervously.

“Cas… what are you doing here?” He glanced between him and the TV, which was on the menu screen of _The Princess Bride_. A lump rose in his throat.

“I thought we could have a movie night. We never got to finish this movie in college.” He gestured towards the screen.

“I don’t…”

“Let me say my piece before you say no.” He hesitated to ensure that Sam would listen, then took a deep breath and continued. “When I first met you, Sam Winchester, I was a different person. Not in the sense that I was Cameron, but back then, I was an obedient soldier of Heaven, and that was all. And then I saw you and everything I understood no longer made sense. You were supposed to be a monster, but instead you had the purest soul that I had ever seen. It was radiant, blinding, and I couldn’t make sense of it, other than to believe that it had to be some sort of trick. But then I got to know you, and I saw that you were kind, with a good heart, and I could not reconcile the person in front of me with the monster Heaven had warned me of.

“And then we watched _Star Wars_ and I realized that you were like Luke Skywalker and that you could choose the light side over the dark. I believed that I could stand by your side, help you with that decision. Then as I spent more time with you, a sensation that I was unfamiliar with began to grow inside me. It was when you confessed your feelings for me that I realized it was love. And for a moment, I was happier than I had ever been. But then I realized that I had to make a choice - either defy Heaven and tell you the truth, or break it off with you without giving a reason. Either way I believed would end with me losing you.

“But before I could make the choice, Michael called for me and then would not let me go back to you because of how close we had gotten. And when I did finally get to see you again, I was not permitted to say anything. I was still a soldier of heaven, so I followed orders. I never stopped loving you, though. And then I rebelled, and I realized that we were becoming friends, and I could not bear to lose that friendship because it was better than nothing. You deserved the truth, but that would have put too much at risk, and I was selfish.

“The point is, I am not the same as I was when I was Cameron, just as much as you are not the same as you were back then. We have both changed and grown - together. But at our cores, the things that make us who we are, those things are still the same, as is my love for you. I only hope that you can forgive me for the pain that I have put you through.” He fixed Sam with a steady gaze as he finished.

Sam waited a moment to see if there was anything else and then let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. “That’s… quite the speech, Cas.”

“Yet it still does not convey everything I wish it did.”

Sam thought it over carefully. “You were always you?” He hoped he would understand his meaning.

Castiel nodded. “I may have lied about a lot of things, but I was always honest in my interactions.”

Sam wandered over to sit on the bed as he continued thinking it over, and Castiel turned to watch him. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with Castiel, because he did. He just wanted to be sure that he was being fair to the both of them, which meant that he had to reconcile Castiel and Cameron. And everything Castiel had said helped with that, but he had to be sure. “It must have been hard for you. Pretending all that time.”

“It took everything I had not to kiss you when we met again…. I know I said some things I shouldn’t have. I was trying to set up barriers, but I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.”

“I couldn’t exactly blame you for it. You’re talking about ‘the boy with the demon blood’ thing, right? It’s true.”

Castiel shook his head. “But you are so much more than that.”

Sam still didn’t understand how he could say that, but he didn’t argue. He looked away towards the nightstand, his eyes falling on the array of food and beer on the little table. “Um…?”

“I wanted to do something special for you. I thought a movie night would be good, since it is something we used to do. The movie was an easy choice, but I thought that snacks were also in order. There is chocolate and popcorn and a peanut butter and banana sandwich, because Dean said that is your favorite.”

Sam couldn’t help but smile as he looked back up at the angel. “You asked Dean for advice?”

Castiel nodded. “He knows you best.”

“So… you’re not at all worried that I’m thinking of you as Cameron or… something weird like that?”

“The way I see it, Sam, you have fallen in love with me twice, and nothing could make me happier. I am as worried about you thinking of me as Cameron as you are worried about me thinking of you as you were in college.”

“Huh… when you put it like that, it sounds a lot simpler.”

“You do have a tendency to over-complicate things.”

Sam laughed as he looked at the TV. “I suppose it is about time we finish this movie.”

Castiel smiled hopefully, taking a half-step forward. “You’re sure?”

He rose to his feet and leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against the angel’s. “I’m still mad at you for lying, but… yeah. We’ve gotten through worse. Doesn’t change the fact that I love you.”

Castiel beamed. “I love you too, Sam.”

Sam opened a beer and they settled down to watch the movie, curled up together on the bed. They cuddled and Sam snacked for the first few minutes of the movie, but they had been bottling up quite a bit for quite a while. They’d get through the whole movie someday.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for 'Guardian Angel' by songofhell](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767135) by [stormbrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormbrite/pseuds/stormbrite)




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